Guide to tools

This started as a round robin e-mail from a local builder on his retirement. I take no credit for it although I have added a few of my own. It is meant as humour but like much it has a barb and there will be many who might not find it funny having been physically damaged themselves. Suffice it to say that tools are dangerous. I myself have a scar from a chisel that slipped when I was only a young teenager. Feel free to copy and distribute as long as you acknowledge the authorship of Ed Docker.

  TOOLS AND HOW TO USE THEM

     CIRCULAR SAW:

     A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

     BELT SANDER:

     An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

     WIRE WHEEL:

     Cleans paint or rust off bolts and old tools and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.  Also removes skin,  fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh shit’.

    CHAIN SAW

Breaks arms and rips out stomachs

    HEDGE TRIMMER

Cuts electric cables with a spectacular light effect

    DRILL PRESS:

     A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. 

   PLIERS

Used to damage the surface of objects or round off bolts. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

     HACKSAW:

     One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle…

It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

     VISE-GRIPS:

     Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

     OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

     Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

     TABLE SAW:

     A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

     Very effective for digit removal

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

     Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

     BAND SAW:

     A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also good for Digit Removal

     TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

     A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

     PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

     Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

     STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

     A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

     PRY BAR:

     A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

     PVC PIPE CUTTER:

     A tool used to make plastic pipe too short, can also remove a digit easily.

     HAMMER:

     Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

    UTILITY KNIFE:

     Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

Especially useful for slicing work clothes, and cutting fingers, but only while in use.

   SCAFFOLD POLE

Used to bend the handle of Wrenches or power bars

   SOLDERING IRON

Melts electronic circuits in seconds. Causes severe burns to the skin

    SON OF A BITCH TOOL:

     Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son of a bitch’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most likely, the next tool that you will need!